Are You, You?

People say I’ve toughened up. I wouldn’t rip bandaids, openly express my discomfort about their ill- doings directly to my friends, and wait patiently plotting the murder of a mouse underneath my stove with a broom, two years ago. Times sure have changed and I with it. But why does it have to be so confusing ? 

I fondly remember my English teacher – Meera Ma’am who would say that as she grew older her perspectives and thoughts about protagonists in the stories she had read, changed. Growing old does affect your process. It’s pretty similar to the age old adage parents love chanting every time you make a fatal error like not messaging your parents on time when you are traveling.

“You will realize it when you have a kid of your own.”

My parents love reminding me that as I grow up and have kids of my own some day (*gasp*) , I’ll realize how worried a parent can feel when kids don’t pay heed to you. It has all got to do with me growing up and understanding this particular way of life, as a result.

And this will continue forever, until we stop repeating it to our kids. We just might because we are all so woke these days, falling back on what our parents taught us would be a shame. Yeah, you are right – I’ll stop with the cynicism. For now.

But as science has it, we are metamorphosing. Perhaps not into alternate life forms such as how a caterpillar metamorphoses into butterflies. But we are changing constantly. Shedding old skin and developing new ones just like the cells inside our body. If it is so – when in this short period of our lifetime – am I, the real me and you, the real you? When am I truly me? How do we define ourselves and live our lives when the only constant is change. 

On starry nights, when I’m too pre- occupied with my life to stare at the sky, I keep my phone aside and take a trip down the memory lanes as my eyes begin to droop. It’s funny when I can’t even seem to recognize who I was a few years ago. A naive and starry eyed girl who would sacrifice everything for her friends at the drop of a hat. I’m grateful I grew out from that phase. Life teaches you lessons – some hurt while others don’t. But it’s all very important nonetheless.

And so it’s confusing. Who is the real Nikita? Is she the one I just described or is she the one who is writing this article right now? Or is she not in existence yet. Will she be the one you will be interacting with in the distance future? I hope now you realize why I titled this blog post the way I did.

If there is one thing I’ve learnt from COVID-19, it is the fact that nothing is certain and everything is evolving. And this reminds me of a poem I wrote not so long ago –

I’m in love with the Uncertainty.

Not knowing what my heart wants.

The questions that surround me.

The words failing to keep me in place.

I’m in love with the Complicated.

Longing for what I once possessed,

amidst the prejudices, decisions

and the ruins of yesterday.

I’m in love with the Half — Completed,

The unfinished, the good, the bad and the ugly.

The halfwits, the lunatics who think

this is all there is to everything.

I’m in love with the Numbing Pain

Every rejection scarring me.

The disrupting confusion,

racking my weary brain.

I’m in love with the Competition

Walking cheek by jowl,

demanding me to work for what

I naively assume, I want and need.

The world offers me no choice

but to be in love with who I am.

Are you?

Maybe it’s up-to us to fall in love with the evolving definition of ourselves, come what may. We will all have different versions based on what we are going through at the moment. I don’t know why but this realization amazes me and enthralls me. I want to believe that there is still hope for some of us. We need to be able to change and mix up our experiences – unlearn situations and change behaviors. And the fact that we aren’t confined to what we are now is truly a blessing in disguise. Let’s put it to good use folks.

If ever while reading this article – you felt yourself nodding your head to what I’ve written – please leave a comment and share it with your friends. It would really mean a lot to me. Thank you and I hope you are safe and well!

P.S: You can read the whole poem here.